What to say when he doesn't propose

Friday, October 03, 2014


It was my birthday just over a month ago, and in all honesty I thought I'd be receiving an engagement ring. It was a thought that occurred to me a few months before, a thought that, once there, stuck in my mind and wouldn't go away.

I've never been overly fussed about getting married, always seeing it as something we would do 'in the future'. So, I can't explain why I had a feeling it would happen, I just thought it would.

When my friends started to get married (well over a decade ago now), one after the other, after the other, I had no real hankering to join them. I've always been the one to do everything in my own sweet time, preferring to do things at a time that's right for me and not just because it's 'the norm'.

The day of my birthday I was given my presents and we had a hasty breakfast before he had to leave for work. And then I cried. I cried rather a lot, and it was only then that I realised how much I wanted him to propose. Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

We've spoken about marriage before, talked about where it could be, how many people we would like to attend and in the past I've said that I'd like to be married before I'm 40. Forty seemed like a long way off then. I'm now 39, one month and 4 days old. I don't know where this feeling came from and I can't put my finger on why it makes a difference.

I don't want to nag him into it, I'm not the nagging kind. A friend of mine suggested an ultimatum. Again, this isn't my style. Apart from anything else an ultimatum would leave me questioning his motives. I want him to marry me because he wants to marry me and for no other reason than that.

And so I wait quietly and time ticks on. I wonder, not only about where the hell all of this came from, but also about why it suddenly matters so much more than it ever did?

Love


You Might Also Like

25 comments

  1. Oh my goodness a girl at work is going through exactly what you are going through but she just turned 40. I don't know what to say but I think seeing the big 40 coming just around the corner scares a lot of people.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not worried about turning 40 really, but perhaps having said that I'd like to be married by then is what made me expect a proposal.

      Delete
  2. Why don't you just talk to him about it? No nagging, no ultimatums... Just an honest conversation about it having become more important to you than before. Once men are comfortable they often don't want to change anything and he may not have realised this was now something you care about.

    I don't know if people ever understand exactly why they want to get married as it's such a complicated, emotional concept.

    Hope it all goes well for you x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Maybe I'll cook him a nice roast and approach it when he's full and happy :)

      Delete
  3. Oh, Hazel. I'm sorry you're feeling like this.
    Maybe he wants to make it special in it's own right and not just associated with your birthday - a different date altogether to celebrate. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Char, I hadn't thought of it like that...

      Delete
    2. That's exactly what I was going to say!! After all, it shouldn't really be a birthday present or indeed a Christmas present. A friend recently got engaged and her boyfriend told me he didn't want to do it on an 'obvious' or 'predictable' occasion so he did it at an unexpected time.
      But sending you hugs anyway.
      I remember being incredibly disappointed CBC didn't propose to me in Bruges after our treasure hunt. Later it transpired that he had been going to but we were running late and he didn't feel well. X

      Delete
    3. Thank you for this Kezzie.
      Earlier this year he told me that he'd thought about proposing at Christmas, his sister had been pestering him about going ring shopping, but he'd had a really bad toothache and didn't feel up to it. This is probably why I thought a birthday proposal was on the cards. Looking back I wish he hadn't told me about his almost proposal...

      Delete
  4. This was great to read, a very honest post. I was never too fussed about marriage and my boyfriend was staunchly opposed to the whole thing, but once we knew we were together for good, I found myself getting pretty upset about it. I was shocked, as I really didn't think I was that bothered! He's come round to the idea and we're now starting to make vague plans. I'm also adamant that I want to get married before I hit 40 (3 years to go) and he's adamant that he doesn't want to get married until he's 30 (just under 2 years to go), so we have a pretty narrow window to fit the wedding into!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This made me smile, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's feelings on the matter have changed. I almost feel like I've gone back on my word by having a change of heart.
      A narrow window is all you need :)

      Delete
  5. Maybe he's thinking exactly the same - hoping you propose to him!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did propose once, he turned me down...

      Delete
  6. My now husband and I were together 10 years before we got married. Two kids, a house, all of it except the marriage. I was always fine with it. I knew i wanted to marry him, but also knew that if we didn't get married, I would be just fine. I also told him that IF we were to get married, I wanted it to be before we were 40. He knew I was just as happy not being married, so he took his own sweet time proposing. It turns out that when he did, he told me that he had spent years looking for the perfect ring, and then held the ring in his pocket every time were were out together, just waiting for a perfect moment to propose. We are married now (6 months before I turned 40), and I am happy. But I think the thing of it is that he knew I didn't care whether or not it happened, so he waited for just the right moment. I bet this is how your boyfriend feels. I would tell him how you feel...that you are happy, but also starting to feel a little resentment because you feel that his procrastination means he doesn't feel the same way as you. But no ultimatums, no guilt...you never know where he is coming from until you talk to him. Best of luck! And think of it this way...are you happy? If so, then that might be enough for now. I always knew marriage wouldn't make us a better couple. We wanted nothing to change about our relationship once we were married, and it hasn't. Sorry for the length of this comment!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your comment. It's a lovely story, what a sweet man - waiting for the perfect moment. This really made me smile, thank you.

      Delete
  7. I think he knows how you're feeling in general but may want you to broach the subject for a discussion. I partially agree with the point that he may not want to propose on your birthday - how would he beat it next year etc.? :)

    Lizzie's Daily Blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's clear that I do need to speak to him about this. Knowing my luck he'll be on the verge of doing it and me bringing it up will cause him to postpone a while longer! (that's his male logic) Nothing ventured...

      Delete
  8. Aah I felt like this too. Wasn't particularly fussed about getting married but suddenly got it lodged in my brain that he was going to do it & then every birthday / Christmas / holiday / romantic meal that went by without one I started to feel a bit sad.

    I think it's something you bring up. It's not an ultimatum to discuss it, you just need to know he is thinking about doing some time! And I think the others might be right, maybe he didn't go for the obvious birthday proposal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll find a good time to bring it up, and then try not to be too disappointed when Christmas comes and goes...

      Delete
  9. Sorry you had a such a bad birthday :(. Perhaps he doesn't realise how much it means to you and that you feel ready now. Men can be strange creatures. They don't always pick up on hints or subtle signs. I find the direct approach often works best with my husband!

    ReplyDelete
  10. modern relationships are weird and each one is different. I know quite a few couples that are unmarried yet have been together for ages. I agree with the sentiment of just talking about it, don't ask don't get and it is usually preferable to know exactly where you stand even if it's not somewhere you want to be left standing...
    Who wouldn't want to marry you m'dear? x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Okay, so, funny story. I thought exactly the same at the birthday I've just had. Even though Ben and I have had an entire conversation about me not wanting it to happen on my birthday. But things were happening here and there and I got totally the wrong idea and then get far too excited about it. And then I worked out what I was actually getting. Luckily about 2 weeks before hand. Floods of tears when I opened my rather swanky iMac would not have gone down well. But like you, although I've been quite happy to see other (many) friends get married before us, I secretly thought it would happen before I was 30. In reality, we're not even engaged. I too, don't know where this sadness comes from, perhaps a deep down feeling that he doesn't want to marry me. And I think I'm too scared to ask that question. We've had many a conversation about getting married, but 10 years into our relationship I can't help but wonder if it's ever going to happen. So. In summary. I hear ya lovely!! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no! sorry to hear you're in it too!
      I know I need to have the conversation (and I will) but I am a little scared that the answer won't be what I want to hear. 99% of me tells me that's a stupid thing to feel but, well, you never know...

      Delete
  12. Jenny told me about this post yesterday. I think you should talk to him, an honest, open conversation isn't a nag. Or if you find it difficult to broach the subject send him this blog post and ask him to read the comments too.
    Relationships falter when couples don't talk, and if this is upsetting you as much as I think it is then you need to talk to him. He may not see 40 as a big milestone but he needs to know it's important for you, and it doesn't matter if you don't know why it's important.
    If he talks about his feelings you might also feel better because you'll understand him too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with what you're saying, a conversation is most definitely in need. I'm waiting for an opportunity when we have the time to sit and discuss it properly.
      My parents marriage broke down due to lack of communication and it certainly not a mistake I want to repeat, but I have to admit to being a little apprehensive about it!

      Delete

Thank you for taking the time to comment x

Copyright

All content © Hazel's World of Joy except where noted

Disclaimer

All products that are featured on Hazel’s World of Joy have been purchased by me unless otherwise stated. Any PR samples, items that have been sent to me for review or similar will be declared as such at the end of the post. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Affiliate Programme

I am part of the Amazon EU Associates Programme, an affiliate advertising programme designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.co.uk