Lately

Saturday, October 13, 2018

I haven't been about much recently. Life has been busy with one thing and another. My usual monthly and seasonal posts are now overdue, but I'll get to them in time.

The past few days I've noticed a shift in my mood. It's Baby Loss Awareness Week. It's all over social media, the news, tv listings. It's important to talk about baby loss but it makes life hard, it's a constant reminder which I find especially difficult when the first anniversary of losing my child is looming.

This time last year I was pregnant, unaware that my child had settled in one of my fallopian tubes, and that I had a traumatic time coming my way.

Grief isn't linear, it has peaks and troughs. Sometimes there are days when it's barely there. Other days it rears up and knocks me sideways. Other times it slowly builds, starting small somewhere in the pit of my stomach, taking over my body in the days that follow.

Today I'm feeling lost. I've no inclination to do anything. So far I've just drunk endless cups of tea and scrolled through my Pinterest feed without taking in a single thing.

I've decided that tomorrow I'll go to a special Memorial Service. I didn't think I'd ever want to go but I feel the need to say goodbye. My local hospital let me down, misinformed me and I didn't get to have the goodbye I would've chosen for my little one.

We planted our remembrance tree in March but it seems that isn't enough. I love that tree and still go out into the garden to see it often. But I want to light a candle and weep openly, without fear of judgement, without someone trying to make me feel better. I want to acknowledge in public, to others, that I had a child who died.

My child wasn't born, but my child lived. My child had a heartbeat and died when that heart stopped beating during surgery in November last year.

I need to acknowledge all the emotions, and come out the other side feeling, I don't know, lighter? better? heard?

I loved my child, I still love my child.

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22 comments

  1. I am so sorry. I hope the memorial service brings you a bit of comfort. I found one of the hardest things about this kind of loss is that many people feel that the grief has an end, that you should be recovered and moving on at a determined-by-them time. But grief doesn't work that way and sometimes mourning with others who completely understand is a great comfort. My thoughts are with you and your husband.

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    1. Thank you. Grief has no end, it just changes, that's something I've learnt this year.
      xx

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  2. Must be a poignant time for you with the first anniversary of losing your baby coming up. I do think it's important to let grief run its course, however long it takes, and being able to weep openly, no holding back, can be quite cathartic. I do hope the Memorial Service brings you solace! Sending a virtual hug your way xxx

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  3. Oh Hazel - I know just how hard this year has been - I'm thinking of you!

    https://lizziedrippingblog.blogspot.com/

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  4. I'm so sorry your hospital wasn't supportive. It's early days for me of course but I feel like the compassion and support from all the staff at my hospital really helped me. As sad as I am, being allowed to meet my babies and say goodbye made things so much better.

    I hope going to the memorials service helped you. Switzerland celebrates (<-feels like the wrong word but I can't think if another?) child loss awareness in December, for all lost children not just infants. We will go to a memorial service for that. We can also have our own little ceremony at the local cemetery once we get our babies back - they have a memorial for babies who were lost before they could officially be registered and we are allowed to put the ashes there with the other babies. I feel so sad for you that you couldn't have that. Look after yourself. I am thinking of you xx

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    1. Thank you Bev, hit's very kind of you to comment and send your thoughts our way when you're going through the first early stages of loss and grief yourself. I know how hard that time can be. I hope you're getting lots of love and support. Keep talking, it really helps, and don't shy away from the feelings, however bad they get, because they will get better.
      I'm going to the memorial service this afternoon, I feel quite calm, better than I did yesterday. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I welcome it - does that make sense?
      Look after yourselves
      xx

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  5. I hope the memorial service brought you some comfort. Grief is a funny thing, as you say, some days you can feel okay and the next it hits you from nowhere, it can be very hard to live with.

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    1. For the most part I've been able to cope with it, but with the anniversary approaching, and coinciding with Baby Loss Awareness week, it's been a bit tough recently. I know it will pass and become easier again soon
      x

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  6. I've seen a lot about baby loss awareness on social media over the last week and have thought of you, aware that you will have a difficult time approaching. It's hard to know what to say, nothing I can say will make things any better for you, but it seems that you are well supported by your family and not expecting too much of yourself, allowing yourself time and acknowledging how you feel.

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    1. Thank you for thinking of me. Whilst it's important to raise awareness about baby loss, it's a hard time for those who have been through it. It's a constant reminder, when you don't really need to be reminded.
      I'm lucky to have the time and support I have, it's certainly made it easier.
      x

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  7. I was sure I had left a reply but it looks like it didn't get thru - all the things you are doing are certainly positive and healing. You have come a long way, in your earliest posts about loss of your baby you had numbness, then your posts showed your sorrow and despair, lately you seem to have reached acceptance but above all you have shafed the love you have for your baby and I am sure it never ever will fade, you are brave to share your experiences.

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    1. Thank you Betty. Reading this reminds me of how far I've come. It is easier day-to-day, but this was always going to be a difficult time.
      xx

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  8. Sending you lots of love, strength and hopeful vibes, Hazel xx

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  9. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's such a difficult, lonely form of mourning afterwards. It never goes away either, though, as others didn't see, they tend to forget. It does become much more manageable as the years go by, but it changes things.

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    1. I do feel like I've been changed by it, and that life will never be quite the same again.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment Perdita
      x

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  10. I do hope that the service gave you comfort.
    Many people who read blogs never comment, I imagine your honest and heartfelt writing has been of great help to some silent followers. xxx

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    1. I hope they help someone somewhere. I know I’ve found comfort and encouragement in reading other people’s posts.
      I read a quote the other day about how sharing your story can set someone free, it felt so true.
      xx

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  11. I am really glad you went to the Memorial service. I am glad that you sang out too. I tend to find when I truly sing out, I do let out and share my emotions and I am always glad. I can't imagine the feeling you have after your loss- there is so little talk about losing a child and I am glad that you are sharing how you are feeling-I am sorry for your loss, I was thinking very much of you when I read about Bev's loss recently. x

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    1. Oh my heart went out to Bev and Jan when I read of their loss. There is so little that can be said to offer comfort but I know how nice it is to know that people feel your loss and are there to offer support, both in real life and online. Talking and sharing is how we make sense of the world, which is why I chose to tell my story. It’s part of me, of who I’ve become xx

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Thank you for taking the time to comment x

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