Saturday 22nd September was #PhotoAnHour. Thanks to Jane and Louisa for hosting.

My plans to get stuck into some DIY were thwarted when a few days earlier I woke up with incredibly stiff shoulders and limited movement. I had to shelve the DIY idea for a while.

8am - A soothing bubble bath was the first order of business for the day. I'm not sure it did anything to ease my shoulders but I never need much of an excuse to soak for a while.


9am - I booked a deep tissue massage - half an hour of being rubbed and soothed, wincing when she hit the really tight spots. I left feeling a little bit like I'd been beaten up.


10am - My shoulders did feel a bit better but still tight and a little uncomfortable. This didn't stop me having a wander around the charity shops though. I picked up some wool. Age Concern has a good selection of wool at only £1.69 a ball so I stocked up on Christmassy colours to make some (more) pom pom wreaths.


11am - Picking up essentials - milk, hummus and Voltarol! Seriously, what else does a person need to survive?


12pm - Knitting. I haven't knitted this pattern for years. It knits up really quickly and it was nice to start and finish a project in such a short space of time.


1pm Lunch. Totally obsessed with scrambled eggs and avocado on toast at the moment.


2pm - My fridge decided to stop working. I have no idea how old it was but it was here when we moved in seven years ago. It had been on it's last legs for a while and finally just silently stopped. I spent a few days freezing bottles of water to act as cool packs to try and keep the food fresh before the new one arrived, but we did have to chuck some in the bin, which I absolutely hate doing!

Anyway, I measured up for a new one, ordered it online and waited for it to be delivered. I had to pay for delivery, and an extra £20 for them to take the old one away, but I wasn't going to spend a further £20 for them to install it when installation was simply pushing it into a gap and plugging it in.

But the new fridge turned out to be wider than stated on the website and didn't fit, it was about 1mm too wide. It was repacked within 20 minutes of being delivered.

A new (narrower) fridge was ordered and when it arrived two days later (with free delivery this time thankfully) I pushed it into the gap with ease... but the power cord was too short to reach the plug! My frustration prevented me from coming up with the very sensible and easy solution of using an extension lead. Thank goodness for my husband.


3pm If there is one thing that can soothe me and a bad mood it's my cats and a whole bunch of wool. I was trying to sort my wool by colour so I could see what I'd got and decide what to knit next. Socks thought I was making him a little nest to sit in and made himself comfortable. It's impossible to get annoyed with him, look at that face.


4pm I'm not sure if Andy came home because he'd finished for the day, if the weather prevented him doing what he needed to do, or if it was just because he was so tired, but it was nice to see him in daylight! Even if he did just nod off on the sofa. I was happy to let him snooze but Tinker wanted him awake and making a fuss of her, and wasn't in the least bit impressed that he'd chosen to do otherwise.

This was when I stopped taking photos. We decided on fish n chips for supper whilst watching Strictly Come Dancing.

It felt as if autumn had well and truly arrived.

My last post was a bit heavy, there's no easy way to talk about baby loss. Thank you for your kind comments, they mean so much. My blog has always been a safe place for me to write but I often wonder how to follow a post about such a hard subject. To jump into a light and meaningless subject seems, I don't know, not quite right somehow. The truth is I can switch from feeling sad to feeling upbeat easily in real life. Grief can sometimes be fleeting, and sometimes in the midst of sadness I can crack a joke, which can be surprising and unsettling for some.

I'm just going to get down some random bloggy / baby type thoughts before returning to my more standard posts.

Having been quiet on the blogging front for a while I often find it hard to write a post to bring me back into the swing of it. It's a thought I recognised when I read it on Betty's blog. Should you come back with a Bang! Or simply pick up where you left off, like you'd never been away? I guess it doesn't really matter what you do, people will still return to read what you have to say, and hopefully be glad to see you back.

I'm getting bored with some of my posts. My Buyer's Archive posts are starting to feel repetitive, but I can't bring myself to stop until I've completed the year. I don't want to stop sharing my clothing purchases altogether though. I enjoy seeing what other people buy, especially pre-loved items, so I don't want to stop sharing purchases altogether, I'll just have to find another way of writing about it.

My Weekend posts are OK as a way to remember nice things that I've done, as well as some of the more mundane tasks that find their way into my weekends. But I also do lovely things during the week too, so next year I'll change these posts to be a collection of memories that don't get to have a separate post all of their own.

I don't want this blog to be all about baby loss, and I don't think that it is, but it's a part of my life and I don't want to feel that I shouldn't mention it. Life has good bits and bad bits and the internet is full of people showing off their 'perfect' lives, even though we all know that life isn't perfect, and can get pretty damn hard and challenging at times. I want to be real, what's the point of offering up a fabrication? It's not that I want to be all doom and gloom, I try to present a positive outlook, but, sometimes you've just got to be honest and say 'so this happened' both on the internet and in real life.

Life has been really busy lately. I might only work part time but my to-do list has been insane. And life keeps throwing little challenges my way - the fridge, hairdryer, and dishwasher all broke down within a fortnight of each other. There are so many little jobs I want to do in the garden. Draft posts remain unpublished. I'm crafting for stalls I have coming up. Maybe starting to decorate our bedroom and plunging us into chaos wasn't the best idea? The contents of our room is spread all over the upstairs of the house.

I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day, and yet I wasted an afternoon in town because I convinced myself that I needed new shoes for the Memorial Service, when in reality I really, really didn't. If I'm honest I knew this at the time, but I was displacing my nerves about the service into finding the perfect outfit.

It'll all work out, there's nothing that's insurmountable, it just all feels overwhelming coupled with coping with the anniversary of losing our child. I know that as soon as I've finished the bedroom life will seem calmer. I just hate the clutter, the current disorganisation.

I'll keep plodding on, making daily progress and soon life will return to as close to normal as it gets.

And then it'll be time to start thinking about Christmas.

Here I was only a few weeks ago talking about how working part time allows me to live life at a slower pace. Maybe karma felt I was being a little bit smug?

Don't worry this isn't a cry for help, just a brain dump. I'm mostly OK, and for the moments that I'm not OK I just allow myself to be that way, during all the other times I'm pulling on my big girl pants and getting on with it.

Normal service will resume soon.

I haven't been about much recently. Life has been busy with one thing and another. My usual monthly and seasonal posts are now overdue, but I'll get to them in time.

The past few days I've noticed a shift in my mood. It's Baby Loss Awareness Week. It's all over social media, the news, tv listings. It's important to talk about baby loss but it makes life hard, it's a constant reminder which I find especially difficult when the first anniversary of losing my child is looming.

This time last year I was pregnant, unaware that my child had settled in one of my fallopian tubes, and that I had a traumatic time coming my way.

Grief isn't linear, it has peaks and troughs. Sometimes there are days when it's barely there. Other days it rears up and knocks me sideways. Other times it slowly builds, starting small somewhere in the pit of my stomach, taking over my body in the days that follow.

Today I'm feeling lost. I've no inclination to do anything. So far I've just drunk endless cups of tea and scrolled through my Pinterest feed without taking in a single thing.

I've decided that tomorrow I'll go to a special Memorial Service. I didn't think I'd ever want to go but I feel the need to say goodbye. My local hospital let me down, misinformed me and I didn't get to have the goodbye I would've chosen for my little one.

We planted our remembrance tree in March but it seems that isn't enough. I love that tree and still go out into the garden to see it often. But I want to light a candle and weep openly, without fear of judgement, without someone trying to make me feel better. I want to acknowledge in public, to others, that I had a child who died.

My child wasn't born, but my child lived. My child had a heartbeat and died when that heart stopped beating during surgery in November last year.

I need to acknowledge all the emotions, and come out the other side feeling, I don't know, lighter? better? heard?

I loved my child, I still love my child.

For the third year running I'm taking part in A Buyer's Archive inspired by Elise (who has stopped blogging but can be found on Instagram instead), to keep track of my spending on clothes and accessories.

THIS YEAR

Bras. Altogether these cost £50.00, which seems like an awful lot of money for three such tiny garments. I purchased my first triangle bra with back fastening at around this time last year and I've been looking out for more since then. This style are normally of the pull on over your head variety, but I don't get on with those at all. So I looked for ones with a back fastening. I found them. I bought in bulk. And fought back thoughts of all the much more exciting things I could be doing with fifty quid.

Leather shoulder bag  |  £7.50  |  pre-loved
This filled a hole in my bags. I have very small bags and large shoulder bags but not much in the middle. This is enough to carry all my junk without room for adding yet more junk.

Tote bag  |  £5.75  |  pre-loved
I was thinking of sunny beach days when I purchased this, then the weather turned cooler and any chance of a day spent on a beach in the sun disappeared. So I used it when I went shopping with Mum instead. And I can confirm that it comfortably holds 14 balls of wool.

Red shirt  |  £2.00 in the sale  |  pre-loved
I saw this and thought I didn't need anymore shirts but I went back the next day and bought it anyway.

Jeans  |   £66.15  |  La Redoute
A new purchase. I ordered these from La Redoute and although they're different to how I thought they'd be, I really like them. It's very unusual for me to find a pair I like so easily, normally the search takes a while. I'm very grateful I found these. As an added bonus had 37% off. I never would've paid £105 for them, and even though £66.15 is a lot to spend, jeans are the one thing that I know I will wear until they fall apart. One of my pairs of jeans keeps trying to fall apart but I won't let them, I just keep patching them up. I can't remember when I bought them but I think it was before I met Andy, I paid £45 so they don't owe me a penny, and yet I'm still not prepared to be parted from them just yet.

Yellow jumper  |  £23.00 using a £5 discount code  |  ASOS
Despite believing that I couldn't wear yellow, this actually looks alright, I think, maybe? I'm still not totally convinced, but I'm drawn to yellow at the moment, last year it was green. I wonder what next year's colour will be?

Blue shirt  |  pre-loved   |  £4.75  |  originally from Topshop
This is one of those items I always keep an eye out for. A light blue shirt is so versatile, and this one is a nice thickness and will come in handy over the coming seasons.

LAST YEAR

I made two new purchases - wardrobe staples. At £16.00 each these jumpers weren't expensive, and both get worn regularly. The navy one has earned it's #30Wears badge, and they grey is half way there having been worn 15 times.

The White Stuff shirt with embroidered hearts was found in a charity shop 'Everything-a-Pound' sale. It's really soft and I was looking forward to wearing it, but the size label was creased and what I thought was a size 8 was actually an 18. It's sitting in the to-be-put-on-ebay pile.


Total for September £159.15

Total so far for 2018: £406.56

Total at this time last year: £427.88

Left of £600.00 budget: £193.44

This is my biggest spend of the year by far, but with three months remaining of 2018 I have nearly £200 left of my £600 budget. I'm hopeful I won't go over again. I'd love a new (or new to me) winter coat, and a pair of leather boots but we'll see...

What have you been buying recently?

I've been working for myself for five years now. Over the last few years the work has settled to a slow pace meaning that I work approximately two days a week. And for months I felt embarrassed by this. I wasn't concerned by the lack of work. I wasn't looking or hoping for more work, and yet I would make excuses, 'it's usually quiet at this time of year' I'd hear myself say if anyone asked if work was busy.

But recently I realised that I didn't want to take part in the game of Let's See Who's the Busiest anymore. I'm not interested in working all the hours of the day, and rushing from A to B without a moment's rest in between. I'd equated being busy with being successful, with living a full life.

And then I realised that was utter crap.

I decided to stop being embarrassed about working part time, and decided to figure out what success really meant to me.

I know that I am very fortunate not to have to work full time. But it's not just about work, it's about all the things we choose to do in life.

And that's the important bit. We have a choice.

I often hear people talking about how very busy they are, they seem to wear it like a badge of honour. I call it The Glorification of Busy. But what's so great about being rushed off your feet all day, everyday? Are you achieving more? Are you happier if you've never got a spare minute?

I know I wasn't.

Now when someone asks if work is busy I say no. I tell them I'm only working about two days a week. They often look blank. Or assume I'm worried and ask about what self promotion I'm doing. When I tell them I'm not concerned I get more blank looks. It's like they're asking me 'what do you do with all your time then?'

I rarely sit around doing nothing. I have lots of plans, lots on my to-do list. Working part time isn't the same as having nothing to do.

I'm able to take my time over work or anything else I do. The pace of life is slower and it's wonderful. I literally have time to 'wake up and smell the roses'.

I don't have to rush. I have the time to plan, to be fully prepared, I have the time to be spontaneous. I have the time to start a task and finish it. I have the time to spend with family and friends. I have the time to try new things, to look after myself. 'Me time', the holy grail for some, but for me it's essential, it's self care. If you don't look after yourself, you have little left with which to look after others.

I can spend time on things that are important to me. I can spend a day with my family at a moment's notice. I have time to keep the house clean and tidy, and I have time prepare meals from scratch. I have time to do yoga every morning. When I sat down and asked myself what was important to me, what made me happy, these things were at the top of the list.

Nurturing relationships, improving my surroundings, and taking care of my husband and myself are the things that bring me the most happiness. Everything else comes after that including work, success, money, and material possessions.

Time is precious, it goes by so fast that I don't want to waste it by being too busy to enjoy it. We never know how much time we've got. So I work part time and spend the rest of my time doing the things that help to create a happy and calm existence, and that's not something I'm prepared to be embarrassed about.

What would you change (or what have you changed) in your life to have a little more time? What are the things in life that bring you the most joy?

 The first Saturday in August I was feeling distinctly off, but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly the matter was. My plan had been to do some small DIY jobs that have been on the to-do list for an age, but my heart just wasn't in it. Instead I visited my local charity shop, which is always guaranteed to cheer me up. I came home with a few books, a mug, and a gorgeous mustard coloured bag. Later in the day, when it had cooled a little, I sat outside reading with a cat on either side.

On the Sunday my mood hadn't improved much. It was hot, I was restless, and couldn't settle on what to do. I read, and knitted an alien. By the end of the day I was feeling better.


The following weekend I was feeling really tired and lacking in energy. Cursing the fact that this was the second weekend in a row that I felt under par I spent the day pottering, making pom pom wreaths, and watched Xanadu on DVD.


On the Sunday I visited my Mum and her husband. They were looking after Rosebud whilst her owners were on holiday. She was adorable and we made friends instantly. Although it's hard to drink a cup of tea with a waggy dog on your lap.

The following weekend was photo an hour.


For the final weekend I spent the Saturday with Andy's sister. She was visiting with her husband and three children and we had a chilled day making pom poms. We'd got together a few days earlier to teach the children how to make them and made enough to create a pom pom wreath for Rara (aka Grandma). It turned out really well, and was enough to get my sister-in-law and nephew completely hooked! So another day of making pom poms was requested and I was more than happy to oblige. We made enough to make a wreath for an aunt for Christmas.

On the Sunday we all went to an aunt and uncle's for a BBQ. Uncle worked for most of his life as a chef, he's retired now but this was the most amazing BBQ I've ever seen. We had sausages and burgers, but also chicken in two different marinades, prawn skewers, lamb, steak, and pork belly... and then there was the sampling of his extensive wine cellar. I got to meet their three gorgeous cats too.

But the very best part of the day was that Andy and his Dad took the afternoon off to join us. There had been just enough rain to stop work, down tools, and spend the afternoon relaxing. Ordinarily when rain stops play they spend the time servicing or repairing machinery, so for them both to take the afternoon off in August is very rare. It's the first time Andy has had any time off since the middle of June. It was a really lovely afternoon. We returned home in the early evening with full bellies and just chilled for the rest of the evening.


...................

It was my wish at the beginning of the year to avoid that Sunday night feeling of a weekend wasted. My goal was to have a plan in place for the coming weekend by each Friday evening. August, much like July, seems to have been largely dominated by the making of pom pom wreaths, but it's also been a good month for spending time with family. My older nephews got their GCSE and A Level results and both of them did really well. Nephew no.1 starts an engineering apprenticeship in September. I can't wrap my head around how he can possibly be a fully fledged grown up already. Nephew no.2 has started a weekend job and is working all the hours he can to buy himself a pair of trainers for £120!! He's just started his A Levels. And I had my 43rd Birthday.