The 16th was Photo An Hour day this month. I took part, and as always (she says not having taken part last month) I posted throughout the day on Instagram.

6am 
Andy had already left for work. I got up to feed the cats, made myself a cuppa, and engaged in my usual pottering - I emptied the waste paper bins, got meat out of the freezer for supper, paired a mountain of socks, and put some shirts into soak. Then I settled back in bed to read for a while. A book about the plague. You wouldn't think that would be a fun read but actually it’s really rather good, A Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks.
7am
It was breakfast time for our weekend guest, Tommy. Tea had been consumed, the kettle was on for cuppa no.2. And the washing was machine on, plants in the greenhouse had been watered, and it was my turn for breakfast - weetabix!

8am
More tea, this time Pukka Turmeric Gold and a second breakfast - strawberries from my garden.

9am
The day was filled with chores and errands. Washing was on the line, the dishwasher emptied. I was showered and ready, and off to the Post Office ...

10am
On my way back from the Post Office I might've tripped and fallen head first into my local charity shop. I bought the wool because it’s pretty and will knit up into a few cute toys, the book because my best friend loved it and she has excellent reading taste, the DVDs for when Andy disappears into harvest, and shorts because, sunshine!

11am
Yes, there were chores to be done but I was so close to the end of my book! The greenhouse is a great place to read and drink tea (Twinings Bakewell Green Tea). I finished it, it was really good - the book not the tea, although the tea is good too!

12pm
What was left of my early lunch. Already consumed - cheese salad sandwich, dried apricots, dairy free peach yogurt.



I missed a few hours running errands and popping in to see family. I had to drop off a folding table to my brother for a carboot the following day, and had to stay for a cuppa. I also stopped by to see my Mum, she's just got back from a Safari and I was never going to get away swiftly, even though my first words were 'I can't stay long'.

I had to go grocery shopping and return something to Next. The order collection point has been moved to the children's department and as I stood there surrounded by small people and rail after rail of baby clothes, I went hot and I had a sudden urge to flee. It was suddenly the last place on earth I wanted to be. Deep breaths and concentrating on my to-do list got me through, as soon as I was outside I felt better. The effects of losing a baby can blindside you at times, creeping up and walloping you in the gut when you least expect it. I've been in the children's department recently and I was fine, I don't know why this time was so different. The shop assistant who went to get my parcel agreed that I could wait in the women's department, she'd come and find me, I think she could sense my discomfort, and I was grateful for this small act of kindness.

In the car I turned the radio up and sung along loudly (and badly) to Jess Glynn's 'I'll Be There'. Never under estimate the uplifting power of music.

5pm
Came home to realise I hadn’t seen Tinker-the-girl-cat all day. After a frantic search in all her usual snoozing places, I found her under the duvet in the spare room, very warm and sleepy. She got a thorough cuddling.

6pm
I was being helpful, going backwards when told. The bucket was full of stones to fill the holes in our driveway, Andy did all the hard work with a shovel. If I hadn't backed into the laurel hedge the next day I'd have said that I was becoming quite a proficient loader driver.


7pm
I was stuck under Tinker, so I couldn't escape the football. I sort of watched it, but I couldn't tell you now who was playing or what the score was...


8pm
Still under The Girl Cat. Football was on again, not much playing going on though, just chatter. Shortly after a game commenced, I was on my way to bed before the national anthems had finished.



9pm
Bed and new book for my reading challenge. June for the month of June. It’s a hardback, I don’t like hardbacks, but I’ll persevere... I bought it second hand via Amazon and I thought it was a paperback. I was kinda annoyed when it arrived and even considered buying it again in paperback, but I decided that was just plain stupid. Now I'm a few chapters in I've forgotten that it's a hardback and so far it's an engaging read.


Thanks to Jane and Louisa for hosting. How was your weekend?

The first weekend in May was lovely and sunny. My plan for this weekend was to help my Dad replace all the old broken panes of glass in my greenhouse. He did most of the hard work, I tidied up and washed the glass inside and out, and provided sustenance - lots of cool drinks and scrambled egg on toast. It was a hot day, and not one that you'd really want to spend in a greenhouse but it was so satisfying to get this fixed. I love my greenhouse and I'm slowly turning into my own little sanctuary.

The May Day Bank Holiday was our day to see the bluebells. We had a lovely walk through the wood, and we stopped to say hello to the Naughty Cows on our way home.

We call them the Naughty Cows because last year they made a bid for freedom and managed to close the dual carriageway for several hours, whilst they were being rounded up.


The second weekend Andy had a couple of hours free on the Sunday and we took a trip to Lowestoft. It's been years since I was last there. The weather wasn't the best but it meant it wasn't crowded and it was mild enough for a good long walk on the beach. We walked to the end of the pier, had a fish n chip lunch, and we started a game of Name the Dog Breed, at which neither of us are any good at! But it did give me an idea for a birthday present for him, he's notoriously difficult to buy for, as are all the men in my family.  I gave him, among other things, Dog Top Trumps in the hope that it'll improve our dog identification skills. It's also fun, who doesn't enjoy a game of Top Trumps once in a while?


The following weekend was A Photo An Hour weekend but I didn't check my phone until late afternoon (which is most unlike me), so I missed it. I was up early to run some errands but was left with most of the day to myself, feeling restless and in need of a distraction, I decided on a whim to go to the Hadleigh Show. It was another warm day, and it was lovely to wander about, seeing cows, sheep, vintage tractors, chickens, floral displays, and do a little shopping. I didn't buy much at all but I brought home a Ferrero Rocher brownie for Andy. He was kind enough to share and it was delicious!

The last weekend of the month was my favourite, it was another bank holiday weekend, and a hot and sunny one too! On Sunday Andy had some free time, he had work to do first thing in the morning, and again early evening but the rest of the day was ours. We visited the Helmingham Hall Plant Sale, where our game of Name the Dog Breed continued, and I made friends with a gorgeous Chocolate Lab called Treacle. We saw an Old English Sheep dog but Andy said I wasn't allowed to stick my face into his fur, as was my want.


On our way home we decided to go to Stonham Barns, to the Owl Sanctuary, to see the new(ish) Meerkat enclosure (which is of course exactly where you would expect to find a meerkat enclosure!!). They were fascinating to watch, and very cute.

The Bank Holiday Monday was spent mostly with family, and it was lovely to get to spend so much time with Andy. This is the time of year that is generally the quietest on the work front, and with harvest looming, we try to spend as much time together as possible. This year has been busier than usual, with lots going on and the weather not being ideal, I was worried we wouldn't get much time.

We spent the day with Andy's family, played cricket in the blistering heat, watched the kids have a water fight, that they, thankfully, left us out of, played Hide and Seek, drank Pimms, and had supper together. I provided dessert - Banoffee Mess which is a mix between Banoffee Pie and Eton Mess. It's delicious and super easy to make. I found the recipe on Pinterest.

So that was May. On to June, the sixth month of the year, can you believe it?

...................

It was my wish at the beginning of the year to avoid that Sunday night feeling of a weekend wasted. My goal was to have a plan in place for the coming weekend by each Friday evening. May has been a great month for getting out and about.

For the third year running I'm taking part in A Buyer's Archive inspired by Elise, to keep track of my spending on clothes and accessories.

THIS YEAR

Blue shirt  |  Next  |  £30.00
I just liked it and wanted it. It's been worn three times already and I find that shirts tend to hang around in my wardrobe for a long time, being worn over and over.

Sunglasses  |  Next  |  £12.00
I could say I needed these to replace a similar pair that broke, but I do have two others pairs that differ instyle, so I didn't really need them...

Pre-loved shorts  |  Oasis  |  £5.00
I got these from an Instagram sale, I thought that the background was more grey than beige and when I out them on it looked like I wasn't wearing anything. These might find themselves on ebay.

Pre-loved vest top  |  George  |  £1.75
I picked this up as I have very few sleeveless tops, I've already worn it a few times.

Pre-loved maxi skirt  |  Next  |  £5.00
Because I just can't resist a maxi skirt with pockets.

Pre-loved gingham top  |  River Island  |  £7.45
I excitedly purchased a gingham top last year to wear with my green skirt, but it didn't suit me and I've been looking for another one ever since. This one is perfect!

LAST YEAR

I've hardly worn anything that I purchased last year. The grey cardy was worn once, the shorter vest top a few times, but other than that it's all sat in my wardrobe untouched, which is very disappointing.

Total for April £61.20

Total so far for 2018: £208.22

Total at this time last year: £264.95

Left of £600.00 budget: £391.78

What have you been buying this month?

Look out for the #buyersarchive hashtag to see others taking part.

Six months. Six months have passed since my ectopic pregnancy ruptured and we lost our baby at almost 12 weeks.

I felt weirdly disconnected from my emotions for a long time after it happened. It's like my brain shut off all emotional responses. In the weeks that followed my operation I felt so normal. It felt wrong to feel so normal, to be able to carry on as if nothing had happened, to laugh, to work. But that's what I did.

But it didn't last. And I'm glad it didn't because it was just putting off the inevitable. Grief finds you, one way or another, sooner or later.

In those first weeks I read a lot about grief. I was relieved and comforted to discover that feeling removed from it was normal. I was most likely in shock, it was after all the most traumatic thing that had ever happened to me.

Depression is the 4th stage. 'I think I've skipped that stage' I thought to myself. But I just hadn't got there. And then I felt it - feeling low, tired, unenthusiastic. I have a creative job, and this suffered as a result, not only did I find it hard to summon up the enthusiasm to sit at my desk, I also found it hard to be creative, I hated everything I did, often deleting files in anger to start all over again.

It wasn't until I realised that the depression part of grief had arrived, that I allowed myself some time. I didn't put myself under any pressure, and slowly, I begun to feel better.

Remember how I didn't bother to take any photos for my Winter Capsule Round-up? It's so glaringly obvious to me now that that was part of the depression. The enjoyment I found in so many different everyday things had left me.

I was left feeling low, confused, tearful, and alone. I felt so alone.

A few months had passed since my operation by this time, and everyone had stopped asking if I was OK. It was old news, I should be moving on by now. But I wasn't. And that was something I read when I was Googling 'The Seven Stages of Grief' on a daily basis.

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. Source

Well meaning friends told me to 'look to the future', to 'look at the positives'. But what I needed was to be allowed to not be OK for a while. Not being OK was part of the process, a shitty part, but a necessary one.

I didn't want to be told to 'try not to think about it', I wanted to explore it. I needed to explore it in order to move on, to heal.

The best piece of advice I received was to "stare your grief right in the face and stare that fucker down. Name your feelings, recognise and own them and you will start to feel in control of them a little". I remembered these words months later, when I was feeling at my lowest, and they helped so much. Everyone wanted me to feel better, to be happy, and that's absolutely understandable but it's not what I needed.

I wanted someone to say 'it's OK not to be OK'.

The kindest words I received were from a friend's Mum, she said "life is never quite the same again after something like that happens". And with that I knew she understood. I knew she wouldn't try to make me feel better, we just stood in silence, no words were necessary.

I think about the baby I lost everyday. Some days I linger with those thoughts for a while before moving on, sometimes it's a fleeting thought, gone in seconds. Some days the thoughts don't make me sad, and that's how I know I'm healing.

I used to go to see our Remembrance Tree almost everyday, I waited as the buds grew fatter and eventually burst open and bloomed. It looked beautiful. The blossoms coincided with a turning point, nothing I can put my finger on, but a general acceptance that I was feeling lighter, less scared and more positive.

I'm left with memories, hopes, and a feeling that I'll never be quite the same again. But it's OK, life makes us who we are. And what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

April 28th was #PhotoAnHour

I had a slower start to the morning than usual. Feeling a bit tired I stayed in bed reading until 9 o'clock. Only got up because I needed another cuppa. And then another one at 10 o'clock. I was supposed to be going to watch my nephew play football but it was rained off, so I had to decide what to do instead. The outcome of that little internal debate was to clean the oven, with a house full of guests expected the next day it seemed like a good idea. It's a job I really dislike, but it did look shiny and new by the time I'd finished... sadly it only lasted until I started cooking a roast the next day.


By lunchtime I was in full procrastination mode. I needed to set about more housework but, meh. I set about finding three photos on my computer instead. After seeing Janet post her's on Instagram, I wanted to have a go too (anything to put off washing floors). The 2011 photo was taken at work, when I still had a real job, the 2015 photo was taken just after having my hair cut (I was never able to recreate this look myself), and the 2018 photo is the most recent one of Andy and me. My glasses have grown in size, I have a few more lines and grey hairs but I don't think I've changed all that much.


At 1 o'clock I was still trying to hide from the housework, I pottered in the greenhouse for a bit. It was raining but the plants in the greenhouse still needed watering. I noticed that one of my dahlia plants had sprouted, finally! Now I just need the rest to follow suit. I think this one is a cactus variety, but I failed to label any of them, so it'll be a surprise.

The cherry blossom continues to bloom, despite the rain and the high winds it still looks rather cheery.

With the floors finally cleaned I went upstairs to do a little work, but I slipped and fell and managed to put The Jane Austen Book Club DVD into the player. Having vacated my seat for a few minutes to let in the Tesco delivery man I returned to find my seat taken. And not one single damn did she give. Look at the face!


I prepared dessert for the next day in advance. Mint Areo Cheesecake. Delicious! And the best bit was that they didn't eat it all, and Andy said it was a little too minty for his liking, so I got to eat ALL THE LEFT-OVERS!

After dinner I kept telling myself that I should really do some ironing, including a huge table cloth for the next day. But there was an obstruction on the board. And he stayed there a while (I've trained him well).

Thanks to Jane and Louisa for hosting, I decided that this year I would take part every month even if my days weren't that exciting, and full of things like oven cleaning...

How was your weekend?

For the third year running I'm taking part in A Buyer's Archive inspired by Elise, to keep track of my spending on clothes and accessories.

THIS YEAR


Floral maxi dress  |  £13.00
This dress is something I've been looking for for a while. Long, floaty, floral, buttons. It could only really be improved with the addition of pockets. It'll be a while before it's warm enough to wear it but I'm looking forward to that day.

Black flip flops  |  90p
Of everything I bought this month, these are the only purchase I really needed, to replace those of last year.

Navy flip flops  |  90p
Because sometimes navy works better than black (this is certainly true of my wardrobe anyway), and these have already been worn quite a lot.

Pre-loved  Chatham pink brogues  |  £9.75
Spied on the shelf in my local charity shop, I think I did a little happy dance when I discovered that they were my size.

Pre-loved H&M grey jumper  |  £4.75
Because you can't have too many grey jumpers. This one is a loose fit so I think it'll sit over the top of dresses nicely.

ASOS green dress  |  £15.00 (£20.00 in the sale, originally £40.00, but I had a £5.00 voucher)
The website didn't show the colour of this dress accurately, but luckily I liked it even more in the flesh. The sleeves were an odd length so I shortened them, and I've removed the polyester lining from the bodice (I don't know why it was there, the fabric isn't at all sheer). And now I think it's set to become one of my favourites.

Then I went on a charity shop jaunt with Sophie.

Pre-loved Phase Eight cardigan  |  £2.49
I like a cardy and this one felt really warm, it's heavy, but feels thin to the touch. It has nice long sleeves (nice to keep your hands warm on a cold day), and a nice shape. I'm going to pop it away for autumn.

Pre-loved Monsoon dress  |  £8.00
I have a feeling I saw this at the same time as another shopper, but I got my hands on it first! I love the pattern, the colour, the length, and it has pockets! A perfect summer dress if ever there was.


LAST YEAR


I had a spendy month in April last year.

The two stripe tops, three vests, grey socks, silver bag, sunglasses and case, red scarf, and hello gorgeous tote bag have all been used a lot.

The black flip flops were worn all summer until they fell apart in late autumn, which doesn't sound like a lot but they were worn almost everyday.

The white pumps, tan sandals, and necktie were only worn a handful of times.

The black ra-ra dress was only worn once, to Latitude. But it's not going anywhere, I love it too much to part with it.

The white dress and Laura Ashley skirt were never worn and were popped into the charity bag. The dress was from a tall range and didn't fit well, and the skirt was too snug around the waist.

The earrings have yet to be worn but will remain, and the coral top was purchased to replace an identical one that had holes I couldn't repair. It hadn't been worn until recently when I put it in my spring capsule, I wore it for the first time when the sun came out (remember when the sun come out, wasn't it lovely?).


At the end of March I'd leveled the new vs pre-loved count and it's still equal at 12 pieces each. Jotting down why I bought an item (i.e. I wanted it or I needed it) has really highlighted how much I buy because I simply wanted it. It's not a surprise, I've always known I buy too much, but I didn't realise until now, how much fell into the 'I want it' category. Will that change? I doubt the change will be obvious, but who knows? Maybe.

Total for April £54.79

Total so far for 2018: £147.02

Total at this time last year: £229.26

Left of £600.00 budget: £452.98

What have you been buying this month?

Look out for the #buyersarchive hashtag to see others taking part.