I turned 42 recently, but I don't feel it (how is it meant to feel?). My friends range in age and not one of them seems particularly older or younger than me. I don't know many twenty somethings, but I have teenage nephews. I imagine to them I seem pretty ancient, but I really don't feel that much older than them. Being a teenager doesn't seem that long ago. In the same way that I don't feel that much younger than my friend's in their 50s.

The only people that seem older than me are my parents, but in all likelihood that's just because they are my parents - the ones who disciplined me, and spoiled all my fun* as a child.

Now I'm in my 40s I still don't feel like a grown up, and I'm told no one ever really does, except maybe my brother who seemed to be born at the age of 30 (again this could be due to the fact that he was my older brother - by only two years - who bossed me around a lot*). But I'm a wife, a voter, a taxpayer, a homemaker, I'm self employed, I've kept pets alive for almost decade, I've been called up for jury service, and I grow vegetables and have a hankering for a shed. All signs of adulthood surely?

I own a cake slice for goodness' sake.

But I still find the word knob amusing.

I still sit on the floor cross legged (although admittedly I can't do that for very long anymore), I like love skipping, I have the urge to giggle at inopportune times, I think the best card game of all time is Snap!, I'm not above pulling faces behind someone's back if they're being irritating, I love swings (and am overjoyed if I come across a roundabout - of the playground variety - but you don't see many of these about anymore), I can still climb a tree as long as the lowest branch is low enough, Easter egg hunts still delight me, and I love dressing up. So, how can I possibly be all grown up?

Is there a test I can take?

I might not feel like a grown up but I'm glad I got to be a child when I did. (And here is where I start to do that thing that grown ups do - perhaps this is proof of my adult status?) There were no over the top health and safety regulations, no mobile phones, and school sports days had winners and losers. We had only three TV channels (I remember the launch of channel 4) none of which broadcast all night - and you had to get up off the sofa to change the channel! No internet, apps, or games to keep you in indoors glued to a screen. Of course it's all rose tinted to me now, at the time I probably thought it was all rather boring, except for the roundabouts (of the playground variety).

I spent a lot of time wanting to be a grown up (mainly for unfettered access to lipstick and high heels, and the option to go to bed when I wanted), all the while being told to 'grow up', and 'don't be a baby', but now I am allegedly an adult I have a growing desire to hold on to the essence of the girl who climbed trees, skipped a lot, and played a mean game of Snap! These days I have no problem with going to bed in the summer before it gets dark outside. I've outgrown my desire for heels, preferring the comfort of flats, and my lipstick obsession never really got off the ground. Adding another year to my age doesn't bother me, I feel neither old nor young. And I only adult when I absolutely have too.
 
*kept me safe by stopping me doing stupid things

I bought a new skirt in June and decided to try to wear it 30 times in three months. Long story short - I did.

I didn't take an outfit shot every time I wore it, some days where dull and blustery, some days I just didn't get the time, but here are some of the outfits.

It's safe to say that I adore this skirt, it's really comfy and easy to wear. I can always tell if something is going to be a wardrobe hit when I start to wear it immediately. And, c'mon, look at those pockets!

I plan to keep this in my autumn capsule. I've tried it on with boots and, as long as they have a bit of a heel, it looks fab.

What do you think? Do you like?

#onlybuyitifyouloveit #wearitagainandagain

An entire month without blogging. Where did August go exactly? I'm sure some of it slipped away early and without permission...

Anyway, each month I'm posting my clothing and accessory purchases in A Buyer's Archive, inspired by Elise, to keep track of what I'm buying and spending, and to compare with that of last year.

This year

I kinda forgot about my Fast Fashion Fast and fell head first into H&M and New Look. Oops.

H&M California t shirt £8.99, H&M sunnies £6.99, New Look bra £6.99, New Look t shirt £6.00.

When I saw the California tee I had to have it to replace the Primark one I'd had to reluctantly part with earlier this season. The sunnies are replacements for a pair that broke recently. In the New Look sale and I found a triangle bra with a back fastening - hurrah! wide shoulders make over the head bras a nightmare - and this pink tee whispered to me on my way to the checkout.

And of course there was some charity shop action...

Hobbs skirt £6.00, Oasis jeans £2.00, Tu top £2.49.

I'm yet to wear the skirt, but the jeans, which were brand new, have been worn a lot. The top has been out on the hotter days we've had - not that there have been many of those sadly! Signs look good for an Indian summer though...

August has seen more additions to my wardrobe than I thought I'd have but I like really everything, and I didn't spend that much...

Last year



Zara dungarees  |  pre loved via ebay  |  £13.00
Loved them last year, have worn them only once so far this year.


Scarf  |  £4.00
The open weave kept snagging on random things. It didn't last long.

Miss Selfridge short dungarees   |  pre loved via ebay  |  £7.21
These don't fit well, so they went in the charity bag.

Slippers  |  George   |  £4.00
Still about, still being worn occasionally.

Pants (not pictured)  |  3 pairs for £10.00
You can never have too many pairs of pants.

Total for August: £39.46

Total so far for 2017: £394.88

Total at this time last year: £526.85

I'm still below my total at the same time last year, and to stay within my £600 budget I'll have to be careful with spending over the next few months. Four months - £50 per month max!

Check out the #buyersarchive hashtag to see posts from everyone taking part.

Each month I'm posting my clothing and accessory purchases in A Buyer's Archive, inspired by Elise, to keep track of what I'm buying and spending, and to compare with that of last year.

This year


I had another little charity shop jaunt. I decided that my gingham top, purchased last month from ebay, didn't fit well and I can only be honest and say I didn't have the inclination to alter it, so I'm putting it back on ebay. I found this Next striped top (£4.79) to replace it in my summer capsule, but I'm not sure it works now that I've got it home.

I also said goodbye to my Primark California t-shirt, bought for £2 in Cancer Research. I washed it three times before it became so misshapen that I could no longer wear it. I even tied it in a knot at the waist to disguise the wonky hem for a few wears, I haven't done that for years, possibly decades! To replace it I bought a cute blue shirt (£3.25) originally from H&M.

Then I found a lovely long sleeved floral shirt, originally from Oasis, for £3.25, which has been tucked away for autumn.

A few weeks later I somehow (?) found myself wandering around Next on the first day of the sale, I'd wondered if a skirt I'd tried on a while ago would be in the reduced. It was! From £60.00 to £25.00, I grabbed it, paid, and was back in my car before I could change my mind. With no occasion to wear it I decided to find any excuse to get it on my body, first up I wore it to Tesco - just because. Then I wore it to a friend's for dinner. I have a meal out coming up next month so I can wear it for that too. Can you tell I'm trying to justify my purchase here? If you love it, wear it, right?


Within the last few days I added a new bag to my collection. I'd been looking out for a small leather bag, and when I visited the Yoshi website and saw this one I didn't have to think twice (I blame Laura). It was originally £65.00, down to £30.00 with a 20% discount, making it just £24.00, how could I not?

Last year


H&M dress, top left, £16.78 and ASOS dress, top middle, £18.00, both pre-loved from ebay.

These dresses were a result of some slightly drunken ebay bids. I didn't need either of them but I purchased them for a wedding, for which the rose one was worn. I can't swear to it but I think the fact that they both had pockets fueled my desire to make them mine.  I almost wore the second dress recently, but didn't. I'm not getting rid of it though, it's too pretty. Perhaps I'll pop it on next time I go to Tesco?



Poncho  |  ASOS  |  £20.00
Purchased in case of a downpour at Latitude but for the second year running we had glorious weather. Instead it was worn for sitting and watching an outdoor performance of The Tempest in the rain, which was incredibly apt and only served to add to the experience in my mind.

Bracelets  |  H&M  |  £3.99 and £4.99
The silver one I still have and often wear it, the other was given away.

Bikini  |  Debenhams  |  £26.00
Purchased for the possibility of swimming in the lake at Latitude. This still hasn't been worn.

Ombre Poncho  |  Tu  |  £12.00
Worn a few times but I do believe it's been given to charity, but I might have to check my wardrobe for confirmation.

Sunglasses  |  H&M  |  £7.00
Snapped beyond repair and chucked into the recycling.

Sandals   |  £16.00
I haven't worn them yet this year, and it's unlikely that I will given the purchase of a much nicer, more comfortable pair in April. These are destined for the charity bag.

Festival hat  |  Latitude  |  £10.00
Sold at a carboot sale for a quid. I have three hats and I only ever wear them once a year at most.

Total for July: £60.29

Total so far for 2017: £392.39

Total at this time last year: £489.64

I did spend more this month than I anticipated but I think I've purchased some great items, that'll get worn and be enjoyed a lot. Maybe August will be less spendy?

Check out the #buyersarchive hashtag to see posts from everyone taking part.

Why do I have a capsule wardrobe? Why do I think so much about what I'm going to wear when I spend most days working alone at home?

Because I learnt that clothes have the power to change your mood, to lift your spirits, allow you to express yourself, and be the best version of yourself.

I used to watch Trinny and Susannah's What Not To Wear (how I loved that programme!) and was so touched each week when the person receiving the makeover was always moved to tears as their new look was revealed. They always said they felt like a new woman, they felt like themselves for the first time in years, their confidence was restored.

I remember one episode in particular. They worked with a group of OAPs, encouraging them to shop in places like New Look or H&M - young people's shops. Every single one of these ladies was unsure at first but, once they'd relaxed, all had a blast.

Trinny and Susannah convinced them that they didn't have to shop in 'old lady shops', they could wear clothes meant for younger generations, that is was OK to wear clothes that they liked rather than clothes they felt they should wear. They encouraged them to wear colour, texture, and to experiment with different shapes.

By the end of the programme there wasn't a dry eye in the house. And do you know what? They didn't look like a bunch of old ladies trying to look young. They looked happy, well dressed, and at ease with themselves.

The message was clear - wear what you love.

And I do. In truth I'm more confident with my style now than I ever have been. I know what suits my body, what I feel good in, and I was tickled the other day when I realised that how I dress now is exactly how I'd wanted to dress back in college.

Limited funds meant I had very few clothes back then. I remember two pairs of very boring jeans, one black maxi skirt, and three long sleeved tops, a few vest tops (that I would never wear without something over the top lest someone see how little I had in the boob department) and several black t-shirts. A black shirt pilfered from my older brother. And a pair of DMs.

I realise now that back in college I was already living with a capsule, albeit not through choice.

I hankered after a pair of vintage 501s, not the straight leg stonewashed Pepe jeans I had, does that brand still exist? I wanted a selection of long flowing skirts, a distressed denim jacket, cute floral summer dresses that I could team with my DMs - it was DMS everywhere, all the time.

The floral shirt dress I found recently would've sent college me into a spin, the black ra-ra dress from H&M would've been worn until it fell to pieces (with black tights - even in the summer - lest someone notice my pale legs).

It makes me smile, and cringe slightly, to think of myself back then - shy, unsure of myself, horribly self conscious when out of my comfort zone. But even then I was aware that clothes had a huge impact on the way I felt about myself. I always felt my best when in my favourite outfit.

I ventured into a few charity shops during my college years but I was too shy to have a good rummage, I never bought anything. I imagine I would've found some amazing pieces, as I do today, had I really looked.

I'm not interested in looking young with what I wear, I'm not trying to disguise my age (despite dressing how I would've liked to as an art student). I don't want to look young, I want to feel good and I do this by wearing clothes that I think best suit me and my personality. I wear the things I'm drawn to, the things that make me smile, things I love.

I used to think that giving a lot of thought to how I dressed was shallow, but I've learnt it's a form of self care, a form of expression, and a form of armour - don't mess with me, this floral shirt dress give me super powers!

You've seen those pictures of French lavender farms, right? They're so pretty, I've always wanted to visit one. So you can imagine how pleased I was when I found out that we have our very own Lavender Farm in Suffolk. Obviously I wasted little time in getting myself there.


Set in four acres Suffolk Lavender Farm isn't huge, and it's not at all commercial, which makes it utterly charming.

Sadly, when I arrived I was told that the best show of colour was about three weeks earlier, but it was still stunning to look at. Karan, the owner, offered me a glass of water and invited me to just wander the field and please myself.


So, with glass of water in hand, off I went. The distinctive lavender scent wafted into the air as I brushed passed the stems, bees buzzing from plant to plant, ignoring me entirely.



The odd butterfly fluttered by, landing momentarily on a bloom, but never sitting still for long enough, wings fully open, for me to capture it with my camera.


I sat for a while, unable to see anything but purple blooms and blue sky. I could've happily lay down for a small nap right there in the field, and I'm pretty sure no one would've minded.



Wandering around, lost in my own thoughts was enchanting, I felt utterly at ease.



I had a little look in the shop - a delightful shed painted in two shades of lavender - and purchased a jar of lavender honey, which is every bit as delicious as it sounds. After a lovely chat with Karan and with a promise to return a little earlier next year I left feeling refreshed, and so pleased I'd found is little hidden gem on my doorstep.


This is one of 27 lavender farms in the UK, I'm contemplating finding a few more...

Visit a lavender field is no.87 on my Day Zero Project list.