The past few days I've noticed a shift in my mood. It's Baby Loss Awareness Week. It's all over social media, the news, tv listings. It's important to talk about baby loss but it makes life hard, it's a constant reminder which I find especially difficult when the first anniversary of losing my child is looming.
This time last year I was pregnant, unaware that my child had settled in one of my fallopian tubes, and that I had a traumatic time coming my way.
Grief isn't linear, it has peaks and troughs. Sometimes there are days when it's barely there. Other days it rears up and knocks me sideways. Other times it slowly builds, starting small somewhere in the pit of my stomach, taking over my body in the days that follow.
Today I'm feeling lost. I've no inclination to do anything. So far I've just drunk endless cups of tea and scrolled through my Pinterest feed without taking in a single thing.
I've decided that tomorrow I'll go to a special Memorial Service. I didn't think I'd ever want to go but I feel the need to say goodbye. My local hospital let me down, misinformed me and I didn't get to have the goodbye I would've chosen for my little one.
We planted our remembrance tree in March but it seems that isn't enough. I love that tree and still go out into the garden to see it often. But I want to light a candle and weep openly, without fear of judgement, without someone trying to make me feel better. I want to acknowledge in public, to others, that I had a child who died.
My child wasn't born, but my child lived. My child had a heartbeat and died when that heart stopped beating during surgery in November last year.
I need to acknowledge all the emotions, and come out the other side feeling, I don't know, lighter? better? heard?
I loved my child, I still love my child.
