The Year 2018
Tuesday, January 08, 2019
Back in January of 2018 I decided that my word for the year would be Thrive.
Thrive. To grow or develop well or vigorously.
I can't say that I succeeded. I wrote that post, decided on that word, when I was still in a state of shock. I hadn't started to grieve, I wasn't even close, the sadness, depression, and loneliness were still a few months away.
It was chosen before I discovered all the things that went wrong before, during and after my stay in hospital. Before discovering all the ways I had been let down by my healthcare providers. The things that should've been done but weren't, the things that were done, that shouldn't have been. The things I'd been led to believe that weren't true.
These things hurt me, held me back. Some of these things I can't forgive. Some of these things will stay with me until my last breath.
So I didn't thrive, but what I did in 2018 was heal.
Now I look back over it all I wonder how I coped, I wonder how I didn't lose my mind.
I had counseling, which helped me a great deal. I had a few friends that I could turn too, and their love and support blew me away, kept me going. And slowly I began to move forward. But I wasn't thriving, I was healing, day by day, bit by bit. Slowly feeling more like me.
I'll never be who I was before, I'm changed by it, all of it. I'm not sure I can call it growth, but I'm definitely not the same.
I will remember 2018 as the year I stood up and said 'this is not OK', and fought for my right to be heard, whilst grieving, whilst changing. Whilst healing.
8 comments
I never set myself a word of the year but I think it's good so long as you remember that it can change. We never know what lies ahead, thank goodness I say, and these things may throw us off course and it's only when we look back that we can see what our word of the year was.
ReplyDeleteI think I chose Thrive because that's what I hoped to do. I know we can't plan our future, we can't decide it, we have to wait for it to reveal itself, but we can hope...
Deletexx
I think you did amazingly last year. Thrive may not have ended up being your year, but you did more than just survive... and really, just surviving would have been perfectly acceptable after everything you went through. Healing, changing, finding some kind of peace. All good things. Hoping 2019 is a positive year for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, that's very kind.
Deletexx
I'm amazed at how far you've come since last year. Even if you didn't exactly thrive, it takes an amazingly strong woman to cope with everything you went through. I hope that 2019 is a good year for you, Hazel, and that, at some point, you will start to thrive! xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you Ann
Deletexx
Perhaps sometime this year you will feel able to thrive again, I hope it's a much better year for you. Thrive might not have been the best choice of word for last year, but you found your way through the year and your grief so that you are starting this year on a more even keel... have you chosen a word for 2019? I've never had a word for the year but I do always have a goal or two that I suppose I could find a word for!
ReplyDeleteI think my word for the year is more of a hope, a wish. I decided on the word long before I really knew what had hit me, if I'd known the word would most definitely have been different. Survive perhaps?
DeleteI have a word for this year... post coming soon
xx
Thank you for taking the time to comment x