I'm normally someone who doesn't give up, but today I decided that I had to walk away.

After losing our baby in November we've had a lot to deal with, physically, emotionally, mentally. It's been exhausting at times, and the situation has been made harder by well meaning 'help' and the issues this raised.

I met with the Bereavement Midwife in November, and at the time I felt that it had been really helpful to meet with her. But as time has gone by I've begun to realise that it's been more of a hindrance than a help.

(Edit: The Bereavement Midwife is employed by the hospital to offer help and support to those who've suffered baby loss. She is not a counselor, although I am seeing a counselor, and those sessions have been extremely helpful.)

She offered me information on help and support groups that were available. She was able to answer the two questions I had. One of which I couldn't ask her, I had to email her my question because the words were simply too hard to say, but she understood. She found the answers and told me in a kind and sympathetic manner.

When we met she also asked me some very specific questions about things I was asked and told after my operation. She gleaned information from our conversation and called it feedback. She went away, spoke to people involved and got back to me with answers to questions that I'd never actually asked in the first place.

And here is where the problem begins. Her answers raised more questions, and once they were asked I wanted answers. What I was being told was so different from what I had been led to believe.

Andy and I left the hospital believing certain things, and I think these past few months would've been so much easier if we'd been left in that state of blissful ignorance.

Trying to get answers has been hard, and it's taken a long time, with lots of back and forth. Four months on and there are things I still don't know.

Not getting these answers led me to request my medical records. There was one form I wanted to see, just one. They sent me everything, except that one form, and in looking through my records to find it, I discovered things I really didn't want to know. Things that I can never erase from my memory.

It feels as if things are getting harder and more distressing with each turn of events, and it's made a hard situation worse.

Of course we are immensely grateful for the care I received and for the most part everyone we encountered was very caring and professional, but a few things were missed, and mistakes were made that will have lasting emotional consequences.

So, whilst I don't yet have the full story, I have to walk away. I have to draw a line under it, so that I can put it behind me and move on. The answers won't change what happened, and I need to step away from the negativity, and the frustration.

The situation has been weighing me down, keeping me up at night, stopping me from healing. The only thing I can control are my own actions, and by walking away I take back control, I decide what happens.

So, I've to decide to forgive those who let me down, who misinformed me, who didn't do what they were supposed to do.
 
I'm letting go in order to move on, because every ounce of my being tells me that it is the right thing to do, for me.