For the third year running I'm taking part in A Buyer's Archive inspired by Elise, to keep track of my spending on clothes and accessories.

THIS YEAR

Blue shirt  |  Next  |  £30.00
I just liked it and wanted it. It's been worn three times already and I find that shirts tend to hang around in my wardrobe for a long time, being worn over and over.

Sunglasses  |  Next  |  £12.00
I could say I needed these to replace a similar pair that broke, but I do have two others pairs that differ instyle, so I didn't really need them...

Pre-loved shorts  |  Oasis  |  £5.00
I got these from an Instagram sale, I thought that the background was more grey than beige and when I out them on it looked like I wasn't wearing anything. These might find themselves on ebay.

Pre-loved vest top  |  George  |  £1.75
I picked this up as I have very few sleeveless tops, I've already worn it a few times.

Pre-loved maxi skirt  |  Next  |  £5.00
Because I just can't resist a maxi skirt with pockets.

Pre-loved gingham top  |  River Island  |  £7.45
I excitedly purchased a gingham top last year to wear with my green skirt, but it didn't suit me and I've been looking for another one ever since. This one is perfect!

LAST YEAR

I've hardly worn anything that I purchased last year. The grey cardy was worn once, the shorter vest top a few times, but other than that it's all sat in my wardrobe untouched, which is very disappointing.

Total for April £61.20

Total so far for 2018: £208.22

Total at this time last year: £264.95

Left of £600.00 budget: £391.78

What have you been buying this month?

Look out for the #buyersarchive hashtag to see others taking part.

Six months. Six months have passed since my ectopic pregnancy ruptured and we lost our baby at almost 12 weeks.

I felt weirdly disconnected from my emotions for a long time after it happened. It's like my brain shut off all emotional responses. In the weeks that followed my operation I felt so normal. It felt wrong to feel so normal, to be able to carry on as if nothing had happened, to laugh, to work. But that's what I did.

But it didn't last. And I'm glad it didn't because it was just putting off the inevitable. Grief finds you, one way or another, sooner or later.

In those first weeks I read a lot about grief. I was relieved and comforted to discover that feeling removed from it was normal. I was most likely in shock, it was after all the most traumatic thing that had ever happened to me.

Depression is the 4th stage. 'I think I've skipped that stage' I thought to myself. But I just hadn't got there. And then I felt it - feeling low, tired, unenthusiastic. I have a creative job, and this suffered as a result, not only did I find it hard to summon up the enthusiasm to sit at my desk, I also found it hard to be creative, I hated everything I did, often deleting files in anger to start all over again.

It wasn't until I realised that the depression part of grief had arrived, that I allowed myself some time. I didn't put myself under any pressure, and slowly, I begun to feel better.

Remember how I didn't bother to take any photos for my Winter Capsule Round-up? It's so glaringly obvious to me now that that was part of the depression. The enjoyment I found in so many different everyday things had left me.

I was left feeling low, confused, tearful, and alone. I felt so alone.

A few months had passed since my operation by this time, and everyone had stopped asking if I was OK. It was old news, I should be moving on by now. But I wasn't. And that was something I read when I was Googling 'The Seven Stages of Grief' on a daily basis.

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. Source

Well meaning friends told me to 'look to the future', to 'look at the positives'. But what I needed was to be allowed to not be OK for a while. Not being OK was part of the process, a shitty part, but a necessary one.

I didn't want to be told to 'try not to think about it', I wanted to explore it. I needed to explore it in order to move on, to heal.

The best piece of advice I received was to "stare your grief right in the face and stare that fucker down. Name your feelings, recognise and own them and you will start to feel in control of them a little". I remembered these words months later, when I was feeling at my lowest, and they helped so much. Everyone wanted me to feel better, to be happy, and that's absolutely understandable but it's not what I needed.

I wanted someone to say 'it's OK not to be OK'.

The kindest words I received were from a friend's Mum, she said "life is never quite the same again after something like that happens". And with that I knew she understood. I knew she wouldn't try to make me feel better, we just stood in silence, no words were necessary.

I think about the baby I lost everyday. Some days I linger with those thoughts for a while before moving on, sometimes it's a fleeting thought, gone in seconds. Some days the thoughts don't make me sad, and that's how I know I'm healing.

I used to go to see our Remembrance Tree almost everyday, I waited as the buds grew fatter and eventually burst open and bloomed. It looked beautiful. The blossoms coincided with a turning point, nothing I can put my finger on, but a general acceptance that I was feeling lighter, less scared and more positive.

I'm left with memories, hopes, and a feeling that I'll never be quite the same again. But it's OK, life makes us who we are. And what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

April 28th was #PhotoAnHour

I had a slower start to the morning than usual. Feeling a bit tired I stayed in bed reading until 9 o'clock. Only got up because I needed another cuppa. And then another one at 10 o'clock. I was supposed to be going to watch my nephew play football but it was rained off, so I had to decide what to do instead. The outcome of that little internal debate was to clean the oven, with a house full of guests expected the next day it seemed like a good idea. It's a job I really dislike, but it did look shiny and new by the time I'd finished... sadly it only lasted until I started cooking a roast the next day.


By lunchtime I was in full procrastination mode. I needed to set about more housework but, meh. I set about finding three photos on my computer instead. After seeing Janet post her's on Instagram, I wanted to have a go too (anything to put off washing floors). The 2011 photo was taken at work, when I still had a real job, the 2015 photo was taken just after having my hair cut (I was never able to recreate this look myself), and the 2018 photo is the most recent one of Andy and me. My glasses have grown in size, I have a few more lines and grey hairs but I don't think I've changed all that much.


At 1 o'clock I was still trying to hide from the housework, I pottered in the greenhouse for a bit. It was raining but the plants in the greenhouse still needed watering. I noticed that one of my dahlia plants had sprouted, finally! Now I just need the rest to follow suit. I think this one is a cactus variety, but I failed to label any of them, so it'll be a surprise.

The cherry blossom continues to bloom, despite the rain and the high winds it still looks rather cheery.

With the floors finally cleaned I went upstairs to do a little work, but I slipped and fell and managed to put The Jane Austen Book Club DVD into the player. Having vacated my seat for a few minutes to let in the Tesco delivery man I returned to find my seat taken. And not one single damn did she give. Look at the face!


I prepared dessert for the next day in advance. Mint Areo Cheesecake. Delicious! And the best bit was that they didn't eat it all, and Andy said it was a little too minty for his liking, so I got to eat ALL THE LEFT-OVERS!

After dinner I kept telling myself that I should really do some ironing, including a huge table cloth for the next day. But there was an obstruction on the board. And he stayed there a while (I've trained him well).

Thanks to Jane and Louisa for hosting, I decided that this year I would take part every month even if my days weren't that exciting, and full of things like oven cleaning...

How was your weekend?