MelancholyThursday, November 26, 2015
BEDN isn't going well is it? And I made a good start too.
Despite trying to shake a feeling of melancholy by writing a Christmas wish list (I mean who doesn't get excited at the thought of presents, Christmas, family, delicious food, and gin?), my post before that was about being kind to yourself. I'd woken up in a crappy mood, a mood that hasn't really shifted since then.
I'm not drowning in the depths of sorrow, I'm just feeling a bit off. I have a few things playing on my mind, nothing life changing or truly awful, but the accumulation of several minor irritations has left me feeling low.
In the evenings, when Andy is home, and we're full from our evening meal, chatting about our day, enjoying a glass of wine, I feel just fine. I can forget how I feel for a while and just be.
I've talked over most of the issues (for want of a better word) with Andy, he's a wise ole soul, but during the day I'm left with my own thoughts again. The downside of being self employed is working alone (the upside of being self employed is working alone).
I have little to distract me and stop my mind from mulling things over.
I mull, I'm really good at it.
I'm finding it hard to concentrate on work, and it doesn't help that one particular project I'm working on isn't going well. It's given me a creative block, and around and around I go.
A few other things are situations that I can't do anything to change, which I find frustrating. All I can do is try to control the way I react to these situations, but so far I'm struggling to do so.
A side effect of all this is my inability to see things with my usual clarity.
Yesterday Socks walked mud all over the page of my new notebook and I was disproportionately annoyed (then I felt guilty for shouting at him, gave him a huge cuddle and let him fall asleep on my office chair. I was relegated to the uncomfortable spare chair).
I couldn't decide what to have for lunch, I couldn't be bothered to prepare anything, so I grabbed a Kit Kat and an apple. And then I didn't eat the apple.
The sun was shining through my office window and it annoyed me.
I was so irritated with myself for breaking my spending ban when I bough a new cardigan in a charity shop for £3.50, I'd only gone in to make a donation. I was even more annoyed that, when I got home, I wasn't sure that I actually liked it.
I've missed my daily dose of blogging, but I feel uninspired when I sit down to write. I read your posts and enjoy them, but not with my usual enthusiasm, and then I have nothing to say in the comments.
I'm at the point where I'm starting to get angry with myself, 'snap out of it', 'get it together' are my scolding of choice.
But then I remember be kind to everyone including yourself.
Life can't all be sunny and light. Accepting the way I feel and cutting myself some slack is the way I'm most likely to get back to feeling like me again.
That, and most of these repeated as necessary
1. A good long walk
2. A good long bath
3. Listening to my favourite tracks on iTunes while I work (chair dancing optional but likely, although chair dancing is not to be confused with table dancing)
4. Getting up, putting on an outfit I love. Doing my hair, putting on some make up - I might be a mess but I don't have to look it
5. A good breakfast, lunch and dinner, because being hungry never helps anything
6. Cuddling / stroking / nuzzling and generally bothering one or both of my cats
In short, I'm going to take care of myself in the hope that normal service will resume shortly.